WASHINGTON, D.C. | Fri October 03, 2014
In what can only be described as the most extensive such decision in U.S. history, a federal grand jury in a sweeping indictment has implicated Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R) on charges of mass public endangerment.
Citing the Ebola diagnosis in his home state in late September, the first such case on American soil, the grand jury in their particularly swift decision has indicted Gov. Perry on 7,000,000 counts of endangering the public, a number coinciding with the amount of Texas residents without any form of health insurance.
“According a recent Gallup survey,” the indictment states, “over 7,000,000 Texas citizens do not have health insurance. Despite being given the opportunity to mitigate this strikingly high number of uninsured by expanding Texas’ Medicaid program under the recent Affordable Care Act, Gov. Perry chose not to, placing the lives of millions in danger, especially in light of recent news regarding Ebola in the U.S.. We feel these charges to be appropriate.”
Responding to the indictment late today in a hastily arranged press conference, outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder sounded defiant, stating that “in an act of blatant malfeasance, and with reckless disregard for the safety of his own citizens, [Gov. Perry] decided not to expand Medicaid, which could have alleviated crowded emergency rooms and freed resources to combat a potential outbreak of Ebola. He should have seen it coming. Millions of uninsured in Texas are now in danger because of nakedly political posturing. He’ll be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”
Asked by an unidentified CNN reporter to expand on his statement in light of recent studies in Oregon showing increased emergency room attendance despite that state’s Medicaid expansion, Holder stated this indictment was “…in response to Texas’ situation. I haven’t seen that report,” and abruptly left the room.
While an indictment of this magnitude has never been seen before, a source close to the grand jury–speaking on condition of anonymity–stated that due to the aggravating circumstances of a possible Ebola outbreak in Texas, Gov. Perry could face life in prison “several hundred thousand times over, given the sheer number of counts. It’s unprecedented.”
Documents filed with the grand jury report indicate Gov. Perry has 72 hours to turn himself in for arraignment, photographing and fingerprinting.
In a rather eclectic statement, a spokesman for Media Matters, a left-leaning publication, said that “Perry, like many conservatives, is openly hostile to the poor and indigent among us, and wouldn’t think twice to push them into oncoming traffic. This grand jury indictment is a very strong message that endangering public welfare by failing to expand Medicaid won’t go unpunished. Governor Perry probably paid for that Liberian guy’s plane ticket himself…”
Approached for a comment upon leaving a local shooting range, Gov. Perry said “this Administration has always had it out for yours truly. I’m a proven leader in the most badass state in the nation. Personally, I think Democrats are threatened by me. I’ll see Holder in court.”